alone on a campus of 2,500
September 21, 2007 by leavingeden
There are some times when I feel absolutely delighted to be an atheist hidden among thousands of Christians. This is not one of those times.
I walked across campus today after a conversation that signaled the end of another friendship. Thinking, this is what it feels like to be alone. It sucks.
Though I’m still in the closet, I’m no longer pretending to be a Christian. That means I don’t take part in a large percentage of what goes on on campus. I can feel people mentally shrinking away from me, even people who were perfectly fine with my questioning of Christianity a year ago.
I have nothing against Christianity and Christians. I’m not trying to deconvert people. I just don’t understand why a single atheist among Christians is so threatening to them.
And I thought I had it bad when I was in college. I wish you the best of luck.
I received my degree later than most - I was 32 when I graduated two years ago. I was a devoted religionist and had planned on becoming a rabbi after graduation, but my education challenged me on every level. I ‘deconverted’ at some point in 2003, although it’s difficult to pinpoint an exact time.
I had a wife and two children and a full-time job while I attended classes full time, so the process of moving from belief to disbelief was difficult. A lot of people were disappointed, confused, and hurt when I finally ‘came out’ as an atheist.
I know you feel alone - and your atheism will not win you very many friends, especially where you are - but take some comfort in the fact that your whole life is ahead of you and there are a lot of people, atheists and believers alike, who will accept you. You just won’t find many of them amongst your schoolmates on a Christian campus.
Have you considered a transfer?
I have considered transferring, but as I’m a senior, than would mean having to stay in college for another year, especially since so many of my college credits are meaningless required classes like Christian Thought and Old Testament Literature. I’m very ready to graduate and get on with my life. All I have to do is survive this year.
Good luck surviving one more year. It’s brave of you to ‘come out’ when you’re so outnumbered. I would be surprised if that didn’t lead to a lot of difficult, discouraging conversations.
Hopefully some will go better than you expect and you’ll find some people who care more about YOU than what you don’t believe.
…one more thing: I find many Christians react very differently to ‘I’m questioning’ than ‘I’ve stopped believing’. If you’re ‘questioning’ that gives them hope you’ll come to the ‘right’ answers. It’s hard for them to have hope if you say something more definite and final-sounding than that - and then they get upset/concerned/frustrated.
And many of them can’t get their own emotions enough out of the way to have a non-awkward relationship with you anymore.
(I’m not saying this is true of all Christians)
[...] week it felt very lonely: I walked across campus today after a conversation that signaled the end of another friendship. [...]
Also it is worth pointing out that people are pretty stressed in the last year of a degree. That is no excuse, but may partly explain the stupid behaviour. I hardly saw anyone in my last year - that wasn’t because I’d offended them, but because I was pretty busy.
I just found your blog through the Conversations at the Edge blog. I’m a Wheaton alum and still live in the general area. I had a number of friends in your position when I was there. And although I remained a believer while there, I moved from solid conservative evangelical to moderately progressive evangelical and even that was too far out of bounds. I’m sure I would be burned at the stake there now. just to say that I feel for you in this and let you know that if you ever want to hang out with some other disgruntled and questioning Wheaton alumi just let me know.
Hi leavingeden,
As a Christian it saddens me what is going on there. I wonder if it would be the same situation if I went to college in an all atheist campus? I think the odds would be similar to your case and from experience with atheists, a lot like to verbally abuse me on blogs and stuff. More often than not. It might be a different situation if things were face to face like you are in.
In any case I don’t condone what they are doing but I say chin up anyway and just be friendly back to them, regardless of the looks you get or the way they talk to you. If after that it still interrupts your studies then I think you should go and see someone of higher authority on the campus and share you’re problem with them. I think perhaps an older Christian lecturer or someone like that will have compassion for you and actually side with you regarding the way you are being treated. It is wrong, regardless of any belief system.
[...] this has to be slightly awkward… There are some times when I feel absolutely delighted to be an atheist hidden among [...]
It can’t be easy to stay true to yourself in these circumstances, but you can do it. When I’m in a predominantly Christian or religious environment, I relish it as an opportunity to show others how people who disagree on something so fundamental can still treat each other with respect and decency. (And that atheists don’t breathe fire and kill puppies.) If you can make people realize that, that’s a pretty big deal. Hang in there.
leavingeden,
I sympathize because I’m a very similar situation. I’m in my last year at religious university (more conservative than Wheaton) and no longer profess faith in Christianity. Like you, it’s too late for me to transfer. My friends know, and they’re all still my friends, but it’s very awkward at times. So much of the social life here revolves around spirituality and such, and my situation also more or less rules out forming any serious relationships with girls here. I look forward to graduating and moving on to a more diverse experience.
If found this quote particularly true: “…one more thing: I find many Christians react very differently to ‘I’m questioning’ than ‘I’ve stopped believing’.” Amen. I basically keep my mouth shut on many things unless I’m asked directly, and then I still get questions like “you’re still seeking, right?” Of course I am, but I think my definition of seeking would disappoint many. Cheers buddy.
That totally sucks Leaving Eden!!!! I am a Christian and I know how you feel. I was recently ostracized from my church because I play metal, like to smoke on occasion and have a drink. The people who I thought were my friends now will not talk to me based on this.
The greatest commandment is to love your neighbour as yourself and love Christ with all your heart. These “Christians” who are at your college are definately not following that. I am really impressed that you are standing alone in a community that doesn’t understand or accept you and you aren’t backing down. Even though we have different beliefs you have my respect!!!!
I hate to sound cliche, but this may be one of those times where you’ll find out who your true friends are. I’ve been through the same path (although without the Christian university part), and can relate to that feeling of separation that comes when you “come out” to your friends and family. It’s heartbreaking, as you see lifelong friends slowly drift off in a manner nearing disgust, all because your world view has shifted.
I wish you the best of luck. I appreciate your insight in saying, “Ultimately, it is a matter of integrity, of truth. I value truth so much that I had to find it, at the cost of comfort, community, relationships, assurance.” That hits the nail on the head.
Know this: There are many more of us out there who are in the same or similar situations. When I first starting opening my eyes, it was painful and lonely, but there are millions of others who’ve come down this path.
Congrats, anonymous atheist dude.
I’m certain the fair city by the lake east of you has some good atheist organizations, in which you may find an environment in which you can just chill out among people who’ll hold absolutely no grudge against your disbelief.
(Don’t) Keep the Faith!
On a campus of that size, I bet you aren’t alone. It will just take some luck to find a few like-minded folks. Even a couple others will make a big difference.
I also attended a Christian college, although it had closer to 4,000 students at the time. I did often feel surrounded by Christians but there were enough atheists and Christians-in-name-only that I had a fairly large circle of friends even though I was quite open about my atheism at the time.
Just a suggestion,
Maybe you can wave around a pink unicorn or FSM related bumper sticker/T-shirt/mug/ or some other atheist-recognizable memorabilia. Most xians don’t recognize these symbols but other closeted atheists at your school might. Obviously, a Darwin fish is out. IIDB had a whole thread devoted to atheist symbols.
Ah, memories. I can really, really relate to what you’re going through. I was an atheist at Texas A&M…I think that I seriously might have been the only atheist out of like 40,000 people.
It was such a lonely time, and I felt beaten down by the fact that I constantly had other people’s viewpoints in my face but I just didn’t have the energy to take them all on to explain my own. I didn’t even get to the point of making friends in the first place because it seemed like the only thing people did for fun was go to church-related events.
Unfortunately I don’t have any good advice, I just wanted to say that I can REALLY relate and I’m so sorry you’re going through that.