I came out as an atheist to one of my professors today. This professor has been a spiritual mentor and role model for me during my entire time at Wheaton, so it was important for me to come out to her. It ended up being a good conversation, but boy was it awkward at first. Actually, it turned out a lot better than I expected, given the less than stellar conversation we had when I was first starting to let go of Christianity.
I think when you spring an unexpected piece of information on a person, you have to excuse the first things that come out of their mouth. I’ve found this to be true with most of the people I’ve come out to. Usually the entire first conversation I have with someone upon revealing my atheism just needs to be scratched out completely, until they’ve had time to think about their reaction and we’ve re-learned how to relate to each other. When you have such a fundamental difference between you, you have to put more thought into your words instead of just saying the first thing that comes to mind. Honesty is still best, but not rash honesty.
As expected, she pulled off several faux pas: the “you’re a Christian, you just don’t know it, etc.,” and everyone’s favorite, “God loves you”. Everybody does that, and most of them should probably be forgiven for it. Overall, I’m glad I told her I’m an atheist. It’s important to me for the significant people in my life to know, especially if they’ve been involved in my spiritual life as a Christian, so it’s not like I’m deceiving them.
I’ve had several spiritual mentors as a Christian, and I’ve been feeling that lack of a mentor since I became an atheist. Mostly because I’m still steeped in Christian culture, I’m still trying to figure out what atheism actually looks like. Maybe I’m just trying to take Christian forms and fill them with atheist approximations, and it can’t or shouldn’t be done.
Atheism is exactly the opposite of a religion, and I keep forgetting that. Maybe because Christianity is the only thing I’ve known, and I don’t know what life without religion looks like. There are atheistic things that can fill the place of religion; things like the UU church, which I have ventured into a little, but I’m not really interested in that. I want to be religion-less. So why can’t I actually imagine a life without religion?
Along the same vein, I’ve been feeling like I want to come out en masse at Wheaton. Maybe I’ve been fattened by success, so to speak, but I’m starting to really enjoy being able to relate to my Christian friends as an atheist and navigating relationships across that boundary. I have momentary flings with the idea of dropping my anonymity, at least at Wheaton (internet anonymity is quite a different thing altogether). Here’s what’s stopping me: I feel like coming out to people other than my closest friends is tantamount to making a commitment to atheism.
I’ve been thinking about why the thought of committing to atheism bothers me. It’s not that I think I’ll back out anytime soon, but on principle there’s something wrong with committing to a thing which, by definition, is the absence of religious commitment. At the same time, I don’t want to qualify my atheism with a lack of commitment and leave myself open to bets on how long it will take to convert me back to Christianity. I just want people to know me as I am: not settled into religion or non-religion, but happy with just basic atheism. I’m happy with my life as an atheist, and I don’t want to keep that a secret. Unfortunately, most people don’t seem capable of just listening and receiving someone else’s story.
“I think when you spring an unexpected piece of information on a person, you have to excuse the first things that come out of their mouth”
How true. I’m going to remember that.
“I’m happy with my life as an atheist, and I don’t want to keep that a secret. Unfortunately, most people don’t seem capable of just listening and receiving someone else’s story.”
*sigh* Ain’t that the truth on all counts. I feel like I’m deceiving those who don’t know I changed. But, I have no desire to face all the grief I will surely get.
“I’ve been thinking about why the thought of committing to atheism bothers me.”
All you’ve committed to and all you’re expected to commit to is your own conscience and reason, and not to atheism per se. No one is going to smack your atheist membership card (you received it in the mail upon deconversion, right?
) out of your hand for not stating explicitly that you’re going to be a dyed-in-the-wool materialist the rest of your life. You’re free of dogma. Believe whatever makes sense. Your brain got you this far, just keep following it - that’s all it’s about.
Hi. I’ve been reading your blog for a while yet, thanks to Hemant’s link to you earlier. I’m intrigued by much of your story — maybe because I can relate to it. I grew up in the Church, and went to several Bible colleges. I was totally immersed in Christian culture for most of my life — and then life started going differently for me. I moved to Canada, away from all my comfort zones, and eventually I found that my faith wasn’t what I thought it was. Long story short, I’m now an atheist.
I recently “came out” to my family and friends as a nonbeliever, and I can relate to your anticipation and intimidation you feel about your own atheism announcing. One thing I can say, now that I’m completely “out there” — I would never want to go back to faking it, keeping my nonbelief quiet, and not allowing people (especially my family) know about where I stand spiritually. Now that I’m completely “out” — I feel so free and authentic, and I love that I’m finally able to express my opinions freely. Granted, I haven’t experienced the holidays with my family yet — and I’m sure that’ll be something altogether new, now that I’m not a part of the religious club.
Anyway, you’re not alone. Good for you for coming out to those close to you, and remaining true to yourself. Take care.
I think when you spring an unexpected piece of information on a person, you have to excuse the first things that come out of their mouth. I’ve found this to be true with most of the people I’ve come out to. Usually the entire first conversation I have with someone upon revealing my atheism just needs to be scratched out completely, until they’ve had time to think about their reaction and we’ve re-learned how to relate to each other. When you have such a fundamental difference between you, you have to put more thought into your words instead of just saying the first thing that comes to mind. Honesty is still best, but not rash honesty.
Awesome advice!
Apart from anything else, I think people need time to absorb what you said and get over the emotional shock of it.
I’m glad that overall the conversation with this professor turned out better than you expected.
For me it’s important to have those conversations otherwise I build up a ‘false’ picture in my head of how people will react - which leads me away from reality. Wanting to stay connected with reality is why I’m where I’m at so I don’t want to inadvertently subvert that by not having conversations that keep my picture of ‘how Christians react to me’ real and current.
I’ve been thinking about why the thought of committing to atheism bothers me.
Hey, it sounds like you might be an almost-atheist just like me - yay, there are two of us!
For me, the issue is - it’s not about whether God exists; it’s about what I just said: being connected with reality. I can’t be ‘directly’ connected to God so unless/until God is required for me to process reality, I’d like to keep things simple and ‘not go there’. And nothing in the last few years has seriously made me feel I need to go there. So for me it’s a-theism as in ‘not theism’ rather than I take a definite ‘position’ propositionally that God does not exist. I live without God “a-God” as it were, rather than, I have a definitely no-God belief structure. It’s about how I live and make decisions - i.e. without reference to the Bible or an ultimate purpose of a Divine Creator who has a ‘plan’ for my life. I ask the advice of humans I trust - that has been more than sufficient and much easier than trying to divine an inscrutable Divine Will.
Life is good and if it is a gift from God and I ever get the chance I will say “thank you” and hope he is not too mad at me.
There is the Wheaton Atheists Meetup group nearby, with >100 members and roughly 15 people per meetup:
http://atheists.meetup.com/199/
You might try checking them out.
Your posts sound painfully familiar. I deconverted at Eastern College (now University), a Christian school in Pennsylvania. That was one of the hardest, loneliest times of my life. So, yeah. Ouch. Coincidentally I don’t live too far from Wheaton now. Anyway, just remember you’re not alone.
Wow, I don’t envy you there. I graduated from Wheaton in 1995 (philosophy), and began a long, convoluted journey out of Christianity in 1996. That journey is only now, more than a decade later, winding down, as I’m able to say “I no longer believe in the Christian God,” out loud, without looking around first to make sure nobody I know might overhear me.
I wouldn’t presume to be able to mentor you — you might be ten years ahead of me on your journey, for all I know — but if you want to talk about what’s going on in your head, and think you might benefit from any insight or experience I’ve gained in the last 12 years, I’d be happy to be a sounding board. I’ll send you an email; you can respond back if you want.
@Helen
“Hey, it sounds like you might be an almost-atheist just like me - yay, there are two of us!”
Actually I’d say that by far the majority of atheists are like this. Richard Dawkins calls them “de facto atheists”. De facto atheists say “I cannot know for certain but I think God is very improbable, and I live my life on the assumption that he is not there.”
It is very VERY rare that one meets an actual “strong atheist” who says “I know there is no God”.
Again, Helen, the way you’ve described your beliefs about God is easily how 80-95% of people who describe themselves as “atheists” also see themselves.
@leavingeden
I officially accepted that I was an atheist about 4 years ago. Before that, I had been a completely devoted Christian for the whole of my life (I’m 25 and I became officially “born again” at 5).
Maybe we can exchange experiences and/or references sometime. I’ve already benefitted from your experiences as listed in this blog as well as in your interview with Friendly Christian.
One thing that might save you time is recognizing whether or not you are a Secular Humanist. After years of describing myself in a convoluted way (”well.. I AM an atheist.. but not like Stalin and I DO believe in this and this but I DON’T believe in this like some atheist”.. blaaaah!), I discovered that Secular Humanism describes precisely what I was saying.
Check out the tenants and see if you agree with them; I think chances are high that you probably agree with most if not all of them:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secular_humanism#Tenets
What’s nice about Secular Humanism is that it is a positive identity (as opposed to atheism which is a negative identity). It refers to what you stand for, not what you stand against. It is a non-religious life stance.
Life stance is just a hip new word for worldview. But here’s what is important about it: you don’t have to say your “religion” is secular humanism but you ALSO don’t have to say that you have no opinion about the ultimate concerns of humanity. Because, quite obviously, you do. And you probably share these opinions with quite a number of people. And quite a number of these people would also consider themselves Secular Humanists. So with Secular Humanism, you have a way of positively identifying yourself and uniting yourself with a larger movement of people, just like a religion. But without the baggage of religious beliefs.
Anyhow, even if you don’t go for Secular Humanism, I again want to express my availability to exchange experiences.
Best wishes,
Chris