figuratively speaking
November 29, 2007 by leavingeden
Things that I thought would be fun but actually end up killing my soul a little bit:
- reading the Christian news magazine WORLD
- pretending to talk and write like a Christian
Now is the time when all of my final papers and projects are due, all of which must be from a Christian perspective. Before I started I thought, no big deal, I know what the Christian perspective is, and anyway it’ll be kind of fun using words that I haven’t used in a long time, like sanctification, eschatology, spiritual discipline– not to mention the whole language of Wheaton evangelicalism that I worked so hard to become fluent in.
But man, it sucks. It actually makes me feel a little bit ill to have to do this.
oh man, I can only imagine. I don’t think I would be able to do that at all.
But man, it sucks. It actually makes me feel a little bit ill to have to do this.
That’s how I felt when I contemplated returning to church and trying to force myself to believe after my deconversion.
Much as I wanted to, for the sake of family harmony, I actually worried that it would be bad for my mental health - and probably my physical health - if I made myself do it.
I got an e-mail from a friend who said that she and her husband “prayed and prayed” for something to happen, and it did come to pass. I wrote back that I was glad everything worked out for them. I don’t want to impose my atheism on anyone, but at the same time, it’s awfully hard to keep my mouth shut in the face of all this superstition.
Their faith keeps a lot of people going; my mother has said many times that, while she was in an abusive marriage, her faith kept her sane. What she won’t acknowledge is that that same faith (Roman Catholic and staunchly anti-divorce) kept her in a toxic marriage for 12 years. If she had left my father sooner, her sanity would not have been in jeopardy.
It sucks having to bite one’s tongue. I wish I could joyfully bound out of the closet, but I’m afraid that some of my friends would pull away if they knew about my atheism. I don’t have an abundance of friends, and all are special to me; it would really hurt to lose anyone.
Hang in there and remember that what you’re going through is temporary. You’ll graduate soon and then you can say goodbye to Wheaton forever (until the alumni solicitations start showing up in your mailbox)!
Maybe I missed a post or two. But why, again, would you want a degree from an evangelical college? How would that benefit you? Why are you sticking it out? Too much student loan debt to start over? What?
Do you have evangelical parents you’re trying to please? Or, an evangelical grandma?
I’d bail and live with the consequences. You need “community,” to use the language of Wheaton, with your homies. Go find some.
It sucks having to bite one’s tongue. I wish I could joyfully bound out of the closet, but I’m afraid that some of my friends would pull away if they knew about my atheism. I don’t have an abundance of friends, and all are special to me; it would really hurt to lose anyone.
What I did was to start slowly making some new friends outside of the Christian community where I had hibernated socially for decades.
It was surprisingly easy. I started by pursuing a couple hobbies I’d always been interested in but never had time for because my “ministry” was so all-consuming and I thought hobbies were “selfish” because they didn’t contribute to the Kingdom.
Surpressing my guilt, and taking a deep breath, I signed up for a couple of classes and joined a couple of groups. I found that non-Christians are a lot easier to talk to and be real with - there’s no need to be perfect examples of spiritual maturity!
Pretty soon after I made some effort to put myself out there, I had a new circle of friends with whom I had no fear of declaring my atheism. Some are also nonbelievers, some aren’t, but none of them care two whits about what I believe in terms of religion. It’s wonderful to be able to have honest friendships without the ironclad expectations that govern the “Christian women’s circle.” Very liberating, and a whole lot more fun!
I wish you the best and hope you graduate and escape as soon as possible.
I’ve got $10 that says “Leaving Eden” is a senior project at Wheaton. You pose as an atheist. You create a well-packaged blog, add some links to Dawkins and Hitchens, ask a few seniors to pose as atheists to post comments, as you “try to get into the mind of the Christian-grad-who-leaves-the-faith-entirely. You do a few Google Adwords to drive some traffic, and voila! you have the content for your senior paper.
Brilliant, and beautifully executed!
Dave
Dave, my hat is off to anyone who can ‘pose’ as an atheist as well as the author of this blog. I’ve never met a Christian who has anywhere near the level of understanding this person has of atheists.
To LE - maybe it will help a little to keep in mind that this is something you get to walk away from whenever you stop writing - other people at Wheaton don’t have that option.
Can you write the papers in 3rd person? So, “Christians…” rather than “we…”
I think LE’s brilliant understanding is not of atheists but of the so-called Christian bubble or “evangelical culture” in the Wheaton community in which he languishes.
Don’t worry: just two weeks left before you’ve got a long and lovely month to relax, decompress, and generally take a break from it all.
I don’t know if you’ve read her site, but C.L. Hanson’s blog, “Letters From A Broad,” has a lot of stuff that’s similar to what you’re going through - she was raised Mormon, attended BYU, and deconverted while going to school there.
Here’s hoping that finals are relatively low-stress and over quickly!
“LE’s brilliant understanding is not of atheists”
Uh-huh, sure… That’s obviously why I recognize a lot of the sentiments and struggles he’s going through from my own deconversion. Loss of community is absolutely the worst part of it, and I would think it nearly impossible to capture that loss so well without actually going through it.
To LE: Is it possible to examine the ideas without getting personally caught up in them? Something like comparing viewpoints between two different groups and simply making statements about them? Depends on the types of papers, of course, but that might help a little. *shrugs*
I suppose its the secrecy that is really bothering you.
I know of Christians who are afraid of being ostracized for their faith,
and gays who are afraid of being outed,
and stay-home mothers who are afraid of being sneered at by feminists,
and you for being afraid of being known as an atheist.
Having been there…I sympathize with you.
But your soul will feel better if you come clean.
We are all afraid of bearing up to scrutiny. But scrutiny, testability and articulation are at the heart of all truth. This is the lesson I learned from science as an atheist for 45 years. It is also the methodological foundation for my conversion to Christianity 4 years ago.
This is not a pitch for you to repent. I just think you would be stronger if you come out and risk taking the stand.
Warm regards and good luck.
Jeff