Ever since I became an atheist, I’ve struggled with the dichotomy between wanting to put Christianity completely behind me and wanting to honor its role in shaping me. At first I thought the demarcation would be easy; I even thought that I could somehow retain partial membership in the cultural accoutrements of evangelicalism. So for a time, my habits didn’t alter much. I continued to listen to Christian music and read Christian websites, keeping tabs on cultural trends.
Leaving a community is a sad thing. Even while I knew that, I didn’t appreciate what it meant to actually relinquish my claim on the culture and community that was the most significant one I had ever known. But it was necessary, because while I was trying to preserve the cultural identity that Christianity had given me, I was really only preserving my bitterness.
So I swung to the other extreme. I wanted to forget everything about Christianity. I wanted to forget the many memorized bible verses that were written in my mind, the mental gymnastics of theology and biblical scholarship that I used to find fascinating. I didn’t keep any of my bibles or Christian books, I deleted the worship music from my ipod, I haven’t stepped foot inside a church—all in an effort to leave behind the bitterness these things evoked in me. That’s also why I haven’t been back to this blog much since I graduated. Now, going back and reading my entries, I am surprised by how desperate, dark, and sarcastic I was.
I’m not that desperate, dark, sarcastic person anymore. And I woke up one morning and had a desire to read to bible. I simply missed the literature of the bible. It contains some of the most creative and evocative constructions of language I have ever read. I no longer feel any bitterness in acknowledging that, and being able to learn from it as I do from many works of fiction.
Some of this post resonates with me. I don’t have much desire to really read the bible any more. While it has some good qualities, I just get angry when I read some of the stupidity. Perhaps I just have a hard time reading it in the context of historical fiction instead of “people actually believe this stuff!”
I’ve also kept up with some things culture wise. I couldn’t stand the worship music anymore (seriously… singing “holy holy holy” doesn’t do much for me), but I kept some of the other stuff. Every once in a while, “Jesus Freak” will get appear in my play list, and it’s sort of a bittersweet moment, because I love the music, but don’t really care for the message.
Many things seem so… foreign, I guess is the word. Standing around, raising hands and singing? My mind just doesn’t understand it any more. It’s like I’ve been injected with some sanity that forces me to look at somethings like someone might view exotic animals at the zoo. Perhaps that’s not a very good example at all.
One conclusion that I’ve come to is that hanging around with certain types of christians does tend to make me dark and sarcastic. When I distance myself from that, I’m a much happier person.