Throughout my years of being a Christian, I worried a lot about falling away. I often voiced this fear to my close friends and mentors during my first years in college, and all of them told me that it would never happen given the strength of my faith.
“Come Thou Fount” was my favorite hymn, because of these last lines: Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it / Prone to leave the God I love / Here’s my heart, now take and seal it / Seal it for thy courts above. I used to lie awake at night, begging God to prevent me from leaving him. I prayed fervently, in anguish, in tears, for God to strike me down rather than allow me to turn in disbelief.
At the time I didn’t think that I would ever become an atheist. My fears had never considered a premeditated, conscious choice of disbelief; I never thought that atheism would be palatable, only that Christianity would seem unpalatable. In my head, the only method by which one might leave Christianity was seduction by secular culture, by becoming so enticed by various indulgences that faith would be forgotten.
It is quite easy to wander away from God. But I do not believe that anybody becomes an atheist by accident. On the contrary, it’s an absolutely excruciating process that is far better avoided, if matters of ultimate truth are not of ultimate importance to you.
Life is unpredictable. Three years ago my greatest fear was that I would turn my back on God, but I never, ever, even considered the possibility that I would no longer believe in his existence. I say this because I know how hard it is for a Christian to understand the reasons for deconversion. There was a time when I would not have accepted any of the explanations I am currently giving. I would have said that anyone who deconverts is either wicked, or never was a true Christian to begin with. So I’m asking my friends and readers to be more understanding, accepting, and trusting than I was. To those who have done this already, thank you.
I’ve been reading this blog for a while now and I just want to say how amazing your story is. It is your story, your journey, and no one can take that from you.
I keep a Christian blog, and although I am neither atheist or agnostic, I am not one who believes “conversion” into a spicific path or “way” of thinking is the best thing for all people. I have a life plagued with questions and doubts, especially about faith matters. I have been in the ministry for 10 years, and honestly believe that the Church took a detour somewhere (perhaps from the moment Christ left the planet) and has become less about “a better way to live” (as Rob Bell puts it), and more about simply being Right (and whatever power those people think that allows them to hold over everyone else).
I too went to a Christian College (Campbell University), so I’ve seen a lot of what you talk about. I understand your fears, and the complexity of being different. For me, it was simply being more liberal and free thinking than most at my school. I know it isn’t exactly the same, but I think that is why I can relate to your journey without any desire or thoughts of trying to convert you. I’m not sure conversion was the goal of Christ’s teachings anyway, at least not in the way Christians have used to word “conversion”.
I’m often labeled a heretic among many other things, but I keep asking my questions, critiquing myself and others in my faith, and listening to the narrative of others who have traveled a different path. I don’t really like the word “Truth” because it was over-used and misconstrued to mean only what the Chistians wanted it to mean in college, but I do believe that “truth” as I understand it (finding better ways to live perhaps?) can be found anywhere and everywhere. Esp. it is found in the stories of individuals like yourself.
So first off, thanks for giving of yourself through this blog; for sharing your narrative with the rest of us.
and second, may I link your blog to mine? I think for those who read my blog honestly and interact with it in a positive way, your story would aid their own questions and doubts. A different point of view for them to critically think about what it means to be a “Spiritual being”. Also I think your story deserves to be shared with more and more people. I don’t want to bring strife to your blog by way of mine, but I honestly wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think that it would do more good than harm. I think that many of my readers will relate well to your story and see themselves in it, whether it be seeing their selves in you, or in others you have/may mention.
I hope that all made sense.
let me know.
thanks
justin
“it’s an absolutely excruciating process that is far better avoided”
This is an angle that really hasn’t been explored very much by those of us post-evangelical-atheists. Sure we talk about the specific experiences of exodus, but I don’t think we have done a very good job of exploring why it is so painful, and communicating this pain to our evangelical counterparts.
I became an atheist by accident. I was studying the connection between Judaism and Christianity, and then I realized that there was actually no connection. Awkward!
Been an atheist ever since. Not that it’s been all kittens and roses, but I’m working on it.
Thanks for the comments. Justin, of course you may link here. Thank you for asking. I think this blog already has more Christian readers than atheist, and I think Christians tend to continue reading because they’re more invested in what makes someone believe and not believe. Even I get tired of talking about deconversion and my reasons for becoming an atheist, but I continue to write about it because I think it’s important to be thorough.
notreallyalice, did you decide to become an atheist, or did you just realize one day that you were? My reasons for becoming an atheist were stumbled upon by accident, but the decision to follow them was excruciating. Not that I could have made any other decision if I wanted to follow the truth, but just because something is right doesn’t mean it’s not easier to look the other way and do what’s familiar.
I can identify with this very well. Growing up, Come Thou Fount was among my favorite hymns. At college, the contemporary version was my favorite worship song for the same reasons. I was eternally vigilant that I might fall away. There was but one thing I was unprepared for: the discovery that it isn’t true.
Lily, it started with reading the Bible, as usual, but very suddenly, without warning, I becoming aware of how little it made sense. So while I technically decided to follow that conviction and leave Christianity, it seemed like a question of personal integrity that I not make excuses. The choice was either 1) admit the obvious, that Christianity is absurd, or 2) start lying to myself and denying what I had learned. It was surprisingly easy. From there, I soon concluded that there probably are no gods whatsoever.
I certianly understand how that isn’t really an easy choice, and most ex-Christians I talk to had the slow, painful de-conversion you seem to have had. I’m not sure if I’m lucky to have had it happen this way or if a more gradual move might have been more healthy for me. I didn’t weigh all the benefits of organized religion and I didn’t realize or consider the negative effects. It has certainly impacted my marriage to an Evangelical.
A good analogy for my sudden decision would be Hellen Keller sticking her hand under the water and suddenly getting it. “Oh! It’s water!” = “Oh! There’s no god!”
-Alice
Lily,
I stumbled across your blog and have just read a little bit because I have a son who denounced his faith just over a year ago, and I am still trying to understand it.
I hold onto the truth that even though you are no longer pursuing God, God is still pursuing you (as he is still pursuing my son).
Also, have you ever considered the fact that because you were once a believer, your name may already be written in “the book of life” – once written, never to be erased? Several people have told me this is so for my son.
Have you read 1 Corinthians 13:5-9 lately? – From the message Bible – Test yourselves to make sure you are solid in the faith. Don’t drift along taking everything for granted. Give yourselves regular checkups. You need fristhand evidence, not mere hearsay, that Jesus Christ is in you. Test it out. If you fail the test, do something about it. But if it comes to that, we’d rather the test showed our failure than yours. We’re rooting for the truth to win out in you. We couldn’t possibly do otherwise.
To me it says, seek the truth, and it will be revealed to you. Did you give up too early in your search for the truth that God is real? That heaven and hell exist? Are you sure that what you NOW believe is really real?
May 2009 be the year that His truth becomes real to you!
Lilly,
I went through what you went through. It was the worst time of my life. Come thy fount of many blessings is also one my favorite hymns. I came to realize that I was not saved but merely had head knowledge. Every one I spoke too told me the same thing. I finally stopped telling people because it didn’t seem to help. I was miserable. God did not give up on me. He continued to Love me in spite of my rejection of him. I was very pridefull and confused. You are the first person I have heard about this happening too. I accepted Christ tonight. You are the first person I have told. I do not know why I am even writing this. The only sin God does not forgive is unbelief. We can not even believe on our own. I will pray for you.