I was hoping that this blog could be a place where I could be honest, but that no longer seems possible. Maybe the internet is just not the right place for honesty. For an atheist at Wheaton, there is apparently no place for honesty. I guess I should have known that from the beginning, shame on me for being optimistic. Everything I say is used by Christians as ammunition against me. I listen to the stories and testimonies of Christians day in and day out without a word or a “yay, he’s doubting” thought, but that’s something Christians can’t reciprocate. I can’t talk to people without being prayed for, I can’t say anything good about Christianity or anything bad about atheism without it being used against me as evidence that I’m not a real atheist.
When I listen to Christians talk about their faith, I never doubt that what they’re saying is true for them. I never question whether they actually believe in God or whether Christianity actually makes them happy. I would never even consider contradicting someone’s story about himself. So why can’t people trust the words of an atheist? Why do atheists apparently not know themselves as well as Christians do? Because we’re depraved and don’t know our own minds and don’t know the truth about ourselves, obviously. Maybe I should just shut up and let Christians tell my story for me, since they know me so well.
I hear ya. Someone telling me they know my thoughts better than I do annoys me to no end.
I think maybe this is their way of dealing with the fear that they, too, might lose their faith. So they belittle it, decide that, no, you haven’t really lost your faith; that never happens. And if it never happens, it can never happen to them. *shrugs*
Not sure if that helps any, but it’s something to consider.
I’m sure some Christians are threatened by your loss of faith and look for any opportunity to say it isn’t real, either by saying you were never a real Christian or by saying you are not a real atheist. It’s unfortunate but true.
I also know that I am not always an objective judge of my own desires and motives, and sometimes the things others point out to me are valid. Maybe some of the things people say hurt because you know they might be true. I know this is sometimes that case in my own life.
I also went to a conservative Christian college (Northwestern in St. Paul, MN) and I know a lot of people who went to Wheaton. Loss of faith can be a threatening thing. It is natural for Christians to say they will pray for you, and I don’t think you should be offended by that. They are simply acting out their beliefs, not saying anything about yours.
I’ve been glued to your blog ever since I first found it. I know how hard it can be to be the only atheist you know, but I can only imagine how hard it is in your position. You, sir, have my utmost respect!
As a Christian, I had what I now call the ‘arrogance of ignorance.’ I arrogantly knew all the answers, because *I* had a personal relationship with god. Atheists were evil, evolution was wrong, and I had no doubt. Now that’s changed to the ‘humility of true knowledge.’ The world is much more beautiful and complicated than I could possibly imagine as a Christian. I now know that I have fewer answers than questions, and the gap widens the more things I discover. In that situation, I would not imagine being able to look at someone and tell them how *they* think and feel. As introspective as I am, I haven’t completely figured myself yet, let alone someone else.
There are several other possibilities, of course. Perhaps they’re just trying to protect themselves against cognitive dissonance. Obviously, I’m not presuming to know what motivates them, as I would then be contradicting myself. I can only imagine how I would be able to do something like that.
Anyway, hang in there! If you need an electronic friend to vent to sometimes, feel free to contact me!
I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, but I urge you, please don’t shut your blog down. The people who try to tell you what to believe won’t stop anyway; and your story will get out to more and more people who will take hope and gladness from it.
please, hang around.
DO NOT GIVE UP.
Period.
If you let them silence you with frustration…. well, I don’t know what the implications of that could be – but I would bet someone that’s had more sleep than me lately could come up with some great and flowery rhetoric.
🙂
It’s going to suck to be honest – but you’ve made the choice. You’re kinda stuck. Good luck.
Having someone tell you what you do or don’t believe is one of the most infuriating things about deconverting.
Worse is when one of those people – and usually they’re strangers who don’t even BEGIN to really know you – tells you that you were never a Christian in the first place. If that hasn’t happened to you yet, it will. And it’s very hurtful the first time you hear it.
Eventually you get toughened up and you laugh over it and it doesn’t bother you to hear that you were “a false convert.” But boy, it stings the first few times!
I agree with Stephan. Christians who say they are praying for you, or who say that God hasn’t given up on you, etc. are saying that because its part of their belief-system, part of their view of reality. That might not make it any less annoying to you, but I would try to give people the benefit of the doubt that they aren’t intentionally being condescending, even if that’s how it feels.
By the way, when you say
I listen to the stories and testimonies of Christians day in and day out without a word or a “yay, he’s doubting” thought
are you being totally honest? that isn’t an accusation, I am really curious. because i am a christian who struggles with doubts all the time, and when i meet other christians who also doubt, i DO think “yay, i am not alone!” 🙂
It sucks. But, count yourself lucky and know that you are among the brave. Lucky because you can quit pretending.
Remember what you said about not taking the first thing out of people’s mouths as final? They’re shocked, they’ll get over it…hopefully.
It’s frustrating when others claim to be able to see into your heart. But, of course they KNOW, after all, they are hooked up to the repository of all knowledge, while you’re just freely scurrying through the subterranenan caverns of Zion, evading sentinels – sorry, a spontaneous Matrix metaphor. 🙂
“Maybe I should just shut up and let Christians tell my story for me, since they know me so well.”
No! Keep telling your story! It’s a ray of hope for many of us.
Continue posting your thoughts and ideas! It is important that these thoughts are shared with the world. Christians have developed coping strategies and arguments to try to combat you no doubt, but this should be expected. It is a sign of weakness. What is a mere blog in the grand scheme of God’s plan? It is surprising it is even worth mentioning. Just the idea that there are atheists in the world at all is offensive to some Christians because mere beliefs can be shaken. It is the empirical scientific knowledge that gives us a much stronger foundation. It does not bother me that Christians believe that Man had a supernatural beginning, for example, because I know this is simply not true. It is not a matter of faith or belief, but simple cold hard fact. Consider the purpose of this blog: Spreading good rational free thought. It makes sense that Christians would use this against you. You make very good points, and they feel threatened. Good up the great work!
PLEASE don’t let them shut you up! You are too important a voice to be stifled.
I am more than a little awed by your intelligence and very literate writings. I think you have enormous talent and am so glad you are sharing your thoughts on your blog where I can read them. I hope you become a professional writer; you really are that good!
Perhaps this quote will help you to deflect some of the condescension and criticism:
“Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.”
C. S. Lewis
English essayist & juvenile novelist (1898 – 1963)